Of Botts and Binns
by The Folly of Dolly
Summary: Dolores Umbridge returned to Hogwarts to preserve what must be preserved, but an inspection of Professor Binns pushes her closer to her past than she thought possible, leaving her in a precariously perilous position.


'Hem hem.' Dolores reached for her cough drops, wrinkling her nose at the garish packaging. _Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Lozenges_ … if it were up to her, the name of Bott would be nothing more than a blemish in the annals of Diagon Alley's ledgers, though even that seemed too grand a calling for such a rotten pedigree.

Her eyes fixed firmly on her ornamental plates, she let the lozenge fall into her mouth. _Eggs. Fried eggs._ Dolores despised eggs.

Clenching her teeth, she flipped open her bright pink journal, running a finger down the parchment. It came to rest by a single line. _Prof. C. Binns. 4th year, Hufflepuff. 9 o'clock._ An inspection. It was just what she needed after such an awful start to the day.

Dolores had returned to Hogwarts with a purpose, and had found it lacking. Her tireless dedication to dealing with the school's unsatisfactory staff was a testament to how determined she was to ensure the future of the young witches and wizards who would go on to be productive members of wizarding society... but that didn't mean she couldn't take pleasure in it, too.

* * *

Dolores smiled thinly from her chair in the corner. No doubt the children coming in were all too eager to shout and scream, but her presence had put a stop to that. It hadn't taken long to inspire even the most deficient of fourth years to show respect in her classes, though the very fact that she had spent effort on it at all indicated a history of shocking failure to discipline troublemakers.

That line of thought took her dangerously close to the Potter boy. She shook her head, forcing her smile to widen. This was a rare chance to relax at Hogwarts, and she was going to enjoy it.

All around her, the students seemed to shiver, their heads turning to the front of the classroom with a fervour even Dolores could appreciate. She could practically feel their fear… perhaps she had been wrong about Professor Binns. She didn't remember much of his classes from when she had studied in the castle all those years ago, so she was willing to approach this inspection with an open mind.

The door creaked as it began to move, and Dolores straightened her back, quill poised over her clipboard. It was a student. Her smile slipped into a scowl, and she scribbled down the idler's name. _Very nearly late. A disgrace to his family._

The bell rang to signal the start of the morning's classes, and Professor Binns arrived - not through the door, but through the blackboard.

In all her time teaching at Hogwarts, she had not heard Professor Binns speak. He always seemed to be taking a nap in the staff room whenever she had a reason to visit the place. It was a truly unfortunate coincidence.

Professor Binns was not asleep now. 'Good morning.'

Dolores gasped softly. His voice was low, flat… steady, like the slow breath of a silence broken appropriately. She straightened the parchment on her clipboard and made a note.

'Today, we shall be discussing the impact of the goblin rebellions of the eighteenth century,' Professor Binns droned. 'These rebellions were led by the notorious activist Urg the Unclean, a figure who should by now be familiar to you all…'

Dolores usually liked to wander through the class and question both professor and students alike, but Professor Binns had her rooted to her chair, completely captivated. She barely spared a glance at the children, who were all bent down over their desks, surely taking diligent notes.

 _This is what teaching should be_. She was lost in his lecture. His rigid devotion to his subject, the mellow tone of his voice, his piercing eyes that even death had not dimmed… in this moment, Dolores was almost at peace.

'Hem hem.' _No! Not now!_ It was too late. Professor Binns had paused, and he was looking right at her. She clenched her teeth and managed a small smile. 'I don't mean to interrupt, Professor, but I was wondering whether you had received my note informing you of the date and time of your inspection?'

Professor Binns stared at her blankly. 'Inspection, Miss Underwood?'

'Miss- _Professor_ Umbridge.'

'I beg your pardon?'

'Professor Umbridge, Professor Binns. You did receive my note, didn't you?'

'Ah, yes.' Professor Binns looked down at his desk. 'Yes. All seems to be in order, Miss Umbridge. Now, if you don't mind… ?'

'Hem hem,' coughed Dolores. 'By all means, Professor.'

Professor Binns went back to his lecture right where he had stopped. Dolores, seeing the children still thoroughly engrossed, managed to take another cough drop. _Cornflakes._ She despised cornflakes. Straightening her parchment again, she focused on scrawling more notes.

The professor had dealt with the interruption calmly, and had remained in control of the classroom throughout. Even Dolores would struggle to emulate his poise. Yes, this was one teacher at Hogwarts she wouldn't mind listening to again.

The bell rang seconds after Professor Binns finished his lecture. Dolores tidied her parchment, sparing a moment to mark a tick down for his clear mastery of the schedule, and approached his desk, children filing out all around her.

'Professor Binns,' she said.

'Yes, Miss Umbridge?'

'Professor Umbridge, Professor Binns,' Dolores simpered. 'I just wanted to let you know that I need to ask you a few questions, to complete your inspection. Shall we move to your office?'

She was certain some students had been eavesdropping on her conversations with other professors, instead of focusing on their work. Perhaps it was for the best that she had waited until the end of the class - it would stop those of Potter's ilk from sticking their noses into matters that didn't concern them.

The Potter boy was shameless in his nosiness, acting as though he were the hero of his own pitiful novel. It was little wonder he struggled with delusions. Such habits should have been stamped out long ago.

'... office, Miss Umbridge?'

'Yes, Professor. A place where we can talk privately.'

'Yes… privately. Of course. Come along now, young lady. You don't want to be late for your next class.'

Dolores felt her cheeks grow hot. She trailed after Professor Binns, who floated through the door next to his blackboard, scribbling a generous tick on her parchment as she walked. Showing such consideration to the High Inquisitor was certainly worth a bonus point.

She opened the door and… ' _Hem hem!'_ It was more of a sneeze than a cough. Professor Binns's office was coated in layer upon layer of dust. She could make out a frayed carpet, several bookshelves, and the outline of a large desk, but without any windows, the room was quite dark, and any details thoroughly muddled. She may have been the first person to step inside it since Professor Binns's death.

Professor Binns himself stood in the centre of the room, floating a few inches off the carpet. He looked as though he was in a trance - and no wonder, when the vermin responsible for cleaning the classrooms hadn't done their jobs!

Making a mental note to discuss the falling standards of House Elves with Dumbledore, Dolores took out her wand and flicked it. The dust rose in a thick cloud before evaporating into the air, though in her outrage on Professor Binns's behalf, Dolores must have gone through the motions a little too sharply, for several objects fell to the floor. She winced at the unmistakable sound of shattered glass.

'I do apologise, Professor Binns,' said Dolores. With a wave of her wand, the books returned to their shelves. She was pleased to note that not a single puff of dust appeared as they slid in.

'Not a problem, Miss Upton.' The professor's voice was distant. There was a dreamy quality to it that hadn't been present before.

Dolores frowned. Perhaps she had misjudged his character… but surely not. Improper rebellion and defiance was one thing, but even Dumbledore wouldn't keep a member of staff whose mind was like a sieve. Would he? 'It's Umbridge. Dolores Umbridge. I'm sure I'm misunderstanding you, Professor Binns, but it sounds a teensy bit as though you don't know who I am. Are you feeling quite well?'

'Dolores…' Professor Binns whispered. 'No… I don't think I am.' His form shook as he backed away into the shadows, fading from sight.

'Professor Binns!' Dolores dropped her clipboard and Summoned a lamp from the classroom, lighting it with a burst of fire from her wand. The darkness in the office faded, scurrying to the corners. Professor Binns was sitting in a stiff wooden chair behind his desk, his hands splayed out across the surface.

'I don't know what's come over me,' he muttered. 'I'm terribly sorry, Dolores. I feel awfully lightheaded all of a sudden.'

Dolores placed the lamp on the corner of his desk. 'I can return at a later date, if you need time to recover?'

'No, no.' Professor Binns looked up at her. 'You wanted to ask me some questions?'

'Just a few,' she said. 'As you know, the Minister appointed me to the post of High Inquisitor to usher in a new age of effectiveness and accountability at Hogwarts. It is only right that I maintain a consistent approach when determining what practices and, dare I say, professors, need to be pruned to achieve that goal.'

'I see,' said Professor Binns.

'You are sure, Professor Binns, that you are up for it right now?'

'I am a professor of history, Dolores. A few questions will hardly tax me.'

'Very well,' said Dolores. She bent down to retrieve her clipboard, coming face to face with a large frame. Shards of glass lay around it, but the picture within was quite visible - a young, dark-haired man with a stylish haircut and a dashing smile that almost seemed to glow in the lamplight. He didn't move.

She straightened, clutching her clipboard to her chest. 'Professor Binns,' she said, heart pounding, 'is that a _Muggle_ picture?'

'What?' She didn't hear anything, but he must have moved, for his voice was much closer when he spoke again. 'Muggle… yes. Elvis. An American singer. I haven't thought about him in… in…'

Dolores didn't let him finish. 'Professor Binns,' she said tightly. 'Why is there a _Muggle_ picture in your office?'

He hesitated. 'It was a gift,' he said. His voice was becoming stronger by the minute. 'A student gave it to me… after he heard one of Elvis's songs coming from my office.'

The lamp flickered. A faint _click_ came from behind her, a whirring, and then - music.

Dolores screamed.

 _I was cheated by you, and I think you know when_

'Professor Binns - I - I -' _Muggles! Muggle filth!_

 _So I made up my mind, it must come to an end_

Why was it so… familiar?

 _Look at me now, will I ever learn_

 _I don't know how, but I suddenly lose control_

 _There's a fire within my soul_

Dolores _remembered_. That sweet, sweet smile. Too sweet. Too bright. A flash of light. Sickly yellow. The hospital wing. Rough white sheets.

 _Just one look and I can hear a bill ring_

 _One more look and I forget everything_

 _Woah-oh_

'Hem hem!'

 _Mamma mia, here I go again_

'Hem hem!'

 _My my, how can I resist you?_

'Hem hem!'

 _Mamma mia, does it show again_

'Hem hem!'

 _My my, just how much I've missed you_

'Hem hem!'

 _Yes, I've been broken hearted_

 _Blue since the day we parted_

 _Why why, did I ever -_

'Dolores!' The music stopped.

'Hem hem!' She fumbled for her cough drops, her clipboard falling to the ground once more, rattling. 'Hem hem!'

'Dolores, for God's sake, what is happening to you?'

'Hem hem!' Her hand shook as she moved it to her mouth. The cough drop slipped. 'Hem hem!'

' _Dolores!_ '

Cold. A wave of ice crashed over her. So very cold. She gasped. 'Prof-Professor… what…'

Professor Binns had grasped her hands. She was frozen, from the cold or the shock she didn't know. But the coughing had stopped. It had _stopped_. Overwhelmed, dazed, and confused, Dolores didn't think. She pulled Professor Binns down and kissed him right on the lips.

'Binns! What the devil is going on in… here?'

Dolores pulled back at once, turning to the horribly familiar voice that had come from the door.

It was Professor Snape.

* * *

Dolores left Dumbledore's office, fuming. Already an annoyance, it physically pained her to see him so cheerful. The blasted man hadn't stopped smiling for the entire meeting, and she didn't think she would ever be able to look Professor Snape in the eye again.

It wasn't enough to be High Inquisitor, she thought. To realise the changes she and Cornelius had planned, she would need to be entrenched further within the school. High Inquisitor, Deputy Headmistress... they weren't enough. She needed more. She needed to usurp the Headmaster, control Hogwarts from the very top. And with Hogwarts and the Ministry united, who knew what they could accomplish?

'Dolores?'

She froze, her musings instantly scattered. 'Professor Binns.'

'Please,' he said earnestly. 'Call me Cuthbert.'

'Cuthbert,' she said. 'Come with me.'

Dolores led him to her office. A familiar, comfortable setting was just what she needed for a conversation like this. She bustled about the room, straightening stacks of parchment and ornamental plates, and put the kettle on.

'Professor- Cuthbert,' she began.

He interrupted her. 'Dolores. I cannot begin to thank you enough. Ever since you… well. My mind hasn't been this sharp in decades. I was fading… losing myself. You've brought me back from a brink I didn't know I was facing.'

She couldn't stop the heat from rising to her cheeks. 'Ah, well,' she said. 'I am happy, that is, glad, to hear it.'

Professor Binns nodded. 'I must know. Why did you kiss me?'

Dolores closed her eyes. She had intended to push him away, but after everything that had happened… yes. Cuthbert Binns deserved to know. She poured the freshly boiled water into a delicate cup, and took a deep breath. 'When I was a student here, myself, I… I fell for a young man. Billy Botts. He was very sweet to me. I thought he liked me, too, but…'

'It's okay, Dolores,' said Cuthbert. 'You can tell me.' His gentle drone soothed her.

'He lured me to a quiet corridor one night,' she said. 'He hexed me. I developed an awful cough. I stayed in the hospital wing for a week, but the nurse couldn't do anything to cure me. The children teased me. Bullied me. All because of that Mudb- Muggle-born.'

'Billy Botts?'

'Yes.'

'Is he related to Bertie Botts?'

'Yes. Bertie was his uncle.' She paused to Summon several sugar cubes. They fell into her tea with a little splash, and her teaspoon began to stir. 'I didn't cope well, Cuthbert. The bullying was constant. I can barely remember my time at Hogwarts… St Mungo's said it was due to stress.'

'I am sorry you had to go through that, Dolores,' said Cuthbert.

She took a sip of tea and offered him a wry smile. 'It's all right. It's fitting, I suppose. You aren't the only one with a faulty memory. But I remembered it all that morning. That Muggle band… they were Billy's favourite.'

'ABBA… that was the last song I listened to, before I died. I had no idea.'

Dolores looked at him. 'I kissed you, Cuthbert, because you did what nobody else would, or could. You offered me comfort. You cured me.' Even as the words left her, she knew they were true. She hadn't coughed that awful cough since. 'You saved me, Cuthbert. I can finally step out from the shadow of Billy Botts and be my own woman.'

They sat in comfortable silence. Dolores finished her tea, her heart racing. She wasn't quite sure what she wanted anymore. Dumbledore had to go, yes, and her loyalty to Cornelius remained unchanged. But did she really need to push Cuthbert away to accomplish her goals?

'Dolores,' said Cuthbert. 'I've been thinking. I know we hardly know each other, but would you give me the pleasure of your company on my Deathday next week?'

And in that moment, staring into his brilliantly sharp eyes, Dolores made up her mind. 'I'd love to, Cuthbert.'

~ Dolly


End file.
